When Love Is Conditional
Growing Up with Narcissistic Parents
Some wounds don’t leave bruises. They don’t show up in photos or raise concern at school. But they live in our bodies, in our nervous systems, and in the way we see ourselves long after childhood is over.
Growing up with narcissistic parents is a unique kind of survival. On the outside, they may have seemed charming, well-liked, even put together. But behind closed doors, the story was different. And if you’ve lived it, you know exactly what I mean.
Everything Was About Them
When your parents are narcissistic, your existence becomes an extension of theirs. You’re not seen as a child with feelings, boundaries, and dreams of your own — you’re a mirror meant to reflect back the version of them they want the world to see. If you shine too brightly on your own, you’re accused of showing off. If you struggle, they turn it into how they feel about it. Your pain becomes their shame. Your needs become their inconvenience.
Conditional Love Was the Norm
I learned early on that love came with a price. You had to be quiet. You had to be easy. You had to agree, obey, and never embarrass them. Affection was earned. Praise was rare. And being different — whether in thought, style, or voice — was treated like betrayal.
There was no room to feel deeply. Crying made you weak. Asking questions made you disrespectful. And if you tried to speak your truth, you were either laughed at, punished, or ignored. Eventually, you stop trying altogether.
Their Image Mattered More Than My Wellbeing
School plays, special moments, and milestones often took a backseat to their personal agendas. If they showed up, it was either with judgment in their eyes or with complaints about how tired or bored they were. I used to scan the crowd, hoping to spot their faces, only to feel a second-hand embarrassment when they did come — smelling of alcohol or acting like they didn’t even want to be there.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that kind of emotional abandonment leaves a scar. You start questioning whether you matter at all.
You Become the Scapegoat or the Golden Child — Sometimes Both
Narcissistic parents often create roles within the family to maintain control. One child might be constantly praised and held up as the “perfect” one, while another is blamed for everything that goes wrong. Sometimes the roles flip. It’s confusing. It’s cruel. And it teaches you to compare, compete, and question your worth — all while begging for crumbs of approval.
Gaslighting Was Their Favorite Weapon
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“You always twist things.”
These phrases became normal. They made me doubt my own memory, my own feelings, my own reality. It took years to realize I wasn’t the crazy one. I was just trying to make sense of a world that didn’t make sense.
The Long-Term Damage No One Talks About
Even in my 30s, I still feel the echo of our house — the one where I wasn’t allowed to be fully me. I see it in how quickly I apologize, even when I’ve done nothing wrong. I hear it in my inner critic. I feel it in my body when I’m triggered by loud voices or sudden changes. And I carry it in the questions I ask myself: Am I too much? Am I not enough? Will I ever be truly safe?
But here’s what I know now:
I am not broken.
I am healing.
And none of this was my fault.
To Anyone Reading This Who Relates…
You are not alone.
Your feelings are valid.
And the fact that you’re even aware of these patterns means you’ve already taken the first step to breaking the cycle.
It takes courage to admit that the people who were supposed to love you may have hurt you the most. It takes even more strength to choose a different path — to parent yourself with kindness, to create boundaries, to say “no more.”
Whether you’re still in the thick of it or deep into your healing, please remember:
You deserved love without conditions.
You still do.
And here, on Flare & Flourish, this is a space where your voice matters.
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